Collections
by BonesBird
Summary: Another Drabble collection. Set throughout the 22nd century. Main pairings SassCaptains and Trip/Hoshi
1. Chapter 1

**_OK friends, welcome to my next drabble collection. I'm going to post 5 drabbles per chapter. I'll put the year and/or episode at the beginning of each. _**

* * *

**_"Remember what you said. When you start blaming yourself for things that weren't your fault... there's no coming back from that."_** **J.D. 'Scrubs' ((Set: 2158))**

She shook her head, the argument they'd been having for hours, quietly and around the kids. She had spent most of the night being asked some very unusual questions by little Elizabeth, who had decided that she wanted to be a starship captain now. The topic of the disagreement tonight was marriage, the one thing they hadn't argued about in years. "It was 8 years ago."

"We could have been as happy as they are." He said, hanging his dress uniform up in a corner of the room they been provided and looking through the connecting door to the camp beds where the three older children were all, finally, asleep.

"You mean we aren't now?" She asked, shaking her head a little in his direction. "We are happy, aren't we?" She was happy, at least. Sure she wished they got to spend more time alone together, time where they weren't expected to be in command, but that was the burden they'd both learnt to bear. It was part of what having a relationship in their situation meant.

"That's not what I meant. We could have been married, had kids." He leant over the small cradle that held the youngest of the four charges they'd been left with for the night.

"Why is everything tonight coming back to kids. You really want them?" This was a conversation she'd been avoiding. They'd tried once before, and that had ended in a disaster, and had no doubt been at least partly behind their first separation. She wasn't really sure if she'd ever be ready to put herself in for that again, and she was already 42 years old. Not to mention their careers made it almost impossible to even think about children, let alone put any thought into actually having one.

"Yes, yes I do."

"But Jon, we don't exactly have chance do we? We're all but married as it is. I love you, and I'm not sure how we'd manage kids."

"Don't you just want something this cute though." She shook her head as he held up the two month old, even she couldn't honestly resist something quite so tiny. Even though the thought of kids terrified her more than the thought of running into an armada of angry Romulans.

"Don't use the baby against me." She admonished, finally hanging her own uniform beside his and turning around as he put the baby down and came over to her, pulling her into his arms and kissing her gently on the neck before speaking.

"Erika, you will have beautiful kids, and I would love for them to be with me. After the war, think about it. Please."

"I'll think about it." She smiled, and that was it. She couldn't come back from this, because even that was close enough to a yes for Jonathan. He would take that and he'd run with it. Maybe by then she'd be ready.

* * *

**_"That's what's important, isn't it. He was wrong and you were right, and while you were arguing about it the little girl died."_ Abby, 'ER' ((Set: 2164))**

He couldn't seem to stop himself. This was his fault, all his fault. Serena being in this situation was down to him, and no matter what he wasn't going to let himself forget that. He paced the corridor muttering to himself, and he didn't realise how loud he was getting until he heard Erika's voice snapping him back to reality. "Stop it, Jonathan. Just stop it."

"I can't just-" He started, at which point his wife stood up and put her finger on his lip, shaking her head as she did.

"You need to. We don't have any say in this."

He felt his walls threatening to break under her gaze, but he couldn't, he needed to make sure Serena was alright first. "Rike, that's our little girl." He muttered, his hand on the glass the separated them from the hospital room and the medics who were working on her.

"I know, Jon. I know." He turned again and saw the pain in Erika's face. He reached out for her, glad when she came and stood beside him, allowing him to wrap his arm around her. "She's been through worse, she'll make it through this."

"How can you be so sure."

"Because she's just like you, and you've made it through worse." The confidence in her voice raised his for all of a minute before he started thinking about the argument he'd been having only a few hours earlier, arguing that Serena hadn't been herself, and that she needed to be watched carefully. Now here they were.

"I knew I was right." He muttered, earning a punch on the arm from her.

"Because that's what's important, isn't it? You were right, he was wrong, and in the meantime Serena was almost dying between you. Is that what you want to focus on, because I won't. You can hate yourself, or him, but I can't hate either of you because you both wanted to do what was best for her."

"If you'd been there Rike-" He started, and he knew, somehow, that had Erika been there, no argument would have happened. She would have known something was wrong with Serena and they would have gotten her seen faster.

"Stop it, Jon. Stop blaming yourself. She's here, and she's fighting. We need to stay strong for her." Erika's voice told him that was the end of the conversation, she wasn't going to go into it any further until they could hold their little girl again. There weren't many times in his life he'd prayed for a miracle, but this was one of them. And he would keep praying, right up until he knew how this was going to end.

* * *

**_"When the people around you are all one way, and you're not... You can't help but feel like there's something wrong with you." _B'Elanna Torres 'Voyager - Lineage' ((Set: 2169))**

He'd never seen his daughter looking quite so dejected and upset. One look at Erika told him that this wasn't a new development. How much else had he missed in his months away. He knelt down in front of her, lifting her chin gently so he could look at her. "What's bothering my girl today?"

She dropped her crutches to the side of her and kicked them away as best she could. "I wish I was better."

"You're perfect, Rena." He smiled then pulled her into a hug. After a minute she sat back on the chair and shook her head, the sadness and pain he saw in her making him doubt that there was anything he could do to cheer her up.

"No I'm not. I can't do the things like the other kids." She muttered, looking down at her feet. He moved a little closer to the chair, standing her crutches up beside them.

"I know." He admitted, and she leant forward, putting her hands on his cheeks. After she looked at him a minute she asked one of the most difficult questions he'd ever heard.

"Why can't I daddy?" The innocence in those four words reminded him again that he needed to have answers. He looked up to see Erika stood in the doorway, just watching the scene in front of her.

He thought for a few minutes about how best to explain to Serena that there wasn't anything wrong with her. She was just different to most of the others her age because of something that happened at her birth. He knew that one day she would understand that, but for now she just needed to know that she wasn't alone. "Because you're special, you've been given a different gift. One like aunt Mel."

"But I don't want to be special, daddy. I want to be like everybody else." She shuffled herself forward on the chair and patted his cheeks again in the way she'd done since she was little. "Did you and mommy ask for a special baby when you had me?"

"Of course we did, and we got you, and you couldn't be more special to us." He said, honestly, and at the smile that spread across her face he hoped he'd reassured her just a little.

"I love you daddy." She grinned as she threw her arms around his neck for a minute. He helped her off the chair and handed her her crutches before stroking her hair gently.

"I love you too Rena. Why don't you go and do your homework and I'll come and help in a minute."

"OK. Hi mommy." He watched as she went off towards the table in the kitchen. All he could do was stand up and gather himself for a moment. He felt Erika's hand on his back as he squeezed his eyes shut. Every word was true, but he was emotionally drained by the experience. He suddenly appreciated what Erika did all the more.

* * *

**_"We stock up on our glories, keep 'em treasured - right here, in the hope that one day when we're old they'll keep us going, because they are our lives. If we lose our talents, we are dead men. You're gonna look back on today, it's gonna be one of your treasures, because we are gonna hold on, no matter what they throw at us. We don't die today gentlemen. We go out there and we live forever." _Jaws 'Dream Team' ((Set during: "Home"))**

There was one thing that kept him going after all this, and that was that he still had good he could do, or at least he thought he did, and Erika certainly thought he did. It didn't seem to matter to her that he had done terrible things, truly terrible things that would probably earn him a place in a special level of hell. To her, he was still Jonathan.

To her, he was still the pilot that took her home when her father died, who sat next to her in the command centre for more than half of the NX tests. He was the guy she drank beers with at 4pm and laughed with at 4am. He was the man she'd been in love with, and it appeared that nothing he said or did was actually going to change that.

Was she honestly looking past everything he'd done just to make him feel better, or did she truly believe that he was the same person who had left her four years earlier. He couldn't even remember the person he'd been back then, other than that he'd been an explorer, he'd had his faith in the inherent 'goodness' of all there was in the universe.

He had done good things too. They were what she was reminding him of, the first contacts he'd made, the friends he had brought to Earth. Everything else that he had done, including saving Earth. It seemed that she was determined to remind him that he hadn't died. He hadn't given up and surrendered when lesser men may have done. The last thing he wanted to be reminded of right now was his place in history. A place he had never deserved.

There was certainly a truth to her words, and maybe she was right, maybe one day he would look back on this climbing trip as being a treasure, being something that he could hold on to and tell stories of when he was older. Maybe it would be, if it was it would be because of her. Because she had taken the time to believe in him and trust him, on top of that she had loved him regardless of his sins and misdemeanours. If all the good that came from this trip was that she was back in his life for good it would be one win he could hold on to. One thing that he could be proud of. She was something he was proud of, because she believed in him against all the odds.

* * *

**_"I took an oath to preserve this crew from grave and desperate circumstances, and in that duty I have singularly failed."_ Francis Kelley 'The Deep' ((Set during: "Home"))**

Asking Trip's opinion on what he should say in the 'Welcome Home' speech was probably not the best idea, but he didn't know who else to ask, who else would allow him to express the issues he had with what he'd done. It wasn't that he didn't think he'd done the right thing, he knew he had, but he was certain that there were other thing that should be focused on. "What am I supposed to say Trip. Agree with the press about how I'm a hero, about how I saved humanity alone?"

"What else would you say?"

"I don't know, something about the officers who we didn't bring home. I can't just forget what happened out there." He stood up again, pacing along the foot of his bed. His mind worked overtime as he thought about the last few months. "I failed in my duty as a captain. I took an oath, and I broke it."

"I don't think anyone expects you to forget." Trip shook his head as he leant forward, clearly trying to remind him that they had done some good out that. "You didn't break it, you brought Enterprise home, and most of us with her."

"Oh the press and the public don't want to know the realities of what we've done over the last 8 months Trip." He shook his head, the anger building up again in his chest. He couldn't shake the anger and sadness he felt towards almost everyone. Had they saved an Earth that he wasn't certain he still had a place in? All he knew was the average person only thought of him as some hero sent to save them all, and he couldn't live up to the hype. "They just want to think of me as some kind of hero, all of us as heroes."

"Depending on your definition of heroes, we kind of fit the bill." Trip shrugged as he spoke.

"Who's side are you on anyway?" He asked, finding himself more and more annoyed by Trip's perky optimistic outlook right now than when he'd been a cynical bastard a few months earlier.

"The side of not getting my ass busted back to crewman."

"OK. I walked into that one." He chuckled just a little, appreciating again Trip's penchant for humour in awkward situations. It certainly made things easier.

"Seriously, maybe you should just say something about how the real heroes are the ones who didn't come home. They are the ones we owe our lives too after all."

"You're right, good idea. Thanks Trip." He nodded, trying to believe what Trip was telling him, but the simple fact was that he had failed those 27 crewmen who had died in the expanse, he had sworn to bring them home, and he hadn't, in most cases he hadn't even come close to bringing them home. He would remember their names for the rest of his life, and he'd try and honour them in his own little way.


	2. Chapter 2

**I meant to update this earlier and forgot. Ooops. Here we go.**

* * *

**_"We're at this place in our lives, we've come all this way, and I got nothing to show for it." _Terry 'Men of a Certain Age' ((Set: 2160))**

What did she really have, even after all these years there was no tangible proof of what she'd done. Sure she had her name on the war reports and in and out of the press. Sure she had that extra pip on her collar. Nothing else. They were deeds, nothing more. Sometimes she wished she had something more tangible.

Maybe the recent calm in the wake of the war was leading her to rethink a lot of her choices over the last few years. She couldn't honestly say she regretted anything, but she was sorry that she had put her career first so many times. Now she was 45 years old, and wondering if maybe she'd been better off married with kids. The plan she'd once had.

"What are you thinking?" She was jolted from her reverie by Jonathan's question and she leant back far enough that she could see his face. She kissed him gently before she settled again, hoping that she could make sense of the thoughts in her mind.

"I don't know."

"Rike?"

"I was wondering what it would be like if we had a family." She simplified it, hoping he wouldn't press her for details.

"Is that what you want?" He asked, sitting up and looking at her. He had things to show for his experiences.

"I think so. I know that I love you and that I want something more now that the war's over. I think the war took it all out of me. I don't have the energy to explore, I don't want to be away from home, I don't want to lose another officer and friend to enemies who are just in it to gain space."

"Don't you think you're being a little cynical?"

"I'm just done, Jonathan. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Erika. We'll figure it out, I promise you that. Anything you want we'll do." He kissed the top of her head with a smile, then wrapped his arms around her and settled back against the headboard. She knew that he was right, and between the two of them, they'd do something to help her feel better about all of this, and maybe then she'd have something to show.

* * *

**_"There's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for"_ Samwise Gamgee 'The Lord of the Rings' ((Set: 2161))**

She swatted his hand away as it once again slid up her side. She had to bite her lip so as to not give him any more incentive to keep tickling her sides. "Don't tickle me." "Why not?" He muttered, sliding his hands up again, she shuddered just a little before swatting at his hands again.

"Because I don't like it."

"I can make it worthwhile." He whispered in her ear, this time settling his hands on her stomach. She relaxed against him, enjoying the last few rays of the late afternoon sunshine, dreading having to break from this very comfortable embrace they'd been sat in most of the day. Days like this were so rare for people in their lines of work, and maybe they were rare for others. She didn't really know if anyone else got to sit like this.

"Do you ever wonder if there are people all over the world doing something like this, Jon?" She asked him after thinking about it, wondering what he'd think. Considering how cynical he'd once been, she didn't know where his thoughts would be on the matter. He sighed against her neck, and she braced herself for the worst when she heard the least expected words in her life.

"I hope so."

"Hope?" She prompted, hoping that they had turned a corner.

"After all the troubles, the Xindi, Terra Prime, the Romulans..." He trailed off, kissing her shoulder again lightly before holding her a little tighter. "After all that I have to hope that love is the universal thing that sees us through."

"Did the sentimentality come with your new rank?" She teased, threading her fingers through his and thinking about anyone else who might be enjoying a similar moment to them right now. Just sitting and spending time with a loved one. Someone without whom life wouldn't really be worth continuing with, because you would miss them.

"I'm trying to get a little deep with you here." He muttered, his breath tickling her shoulder lightly as he did. For some reason that reminded her that this wouldn't last forever, she would need to leave, and so would he.

"I leave tomorrow, back out with _Columbia_ fighting the good fight."

"Come home soon." The three simplest words said for the night were the ones that gave her the most things to think about. She didn't even want to leave, let alone have to think about coming home.

"As soon as Starfleet will allow me. I love you, Jonathan." She whispered, squeezing his hand.

"I love you too," he kissed her neck and breathed gently against her ear before he added the end of his sentence, "Mrs. Archer." She pulled back from him again and smiled, turning so that she could kiss him properly. They were married. After all the disappointments, broken promises and losses of the war, they were finally married, and that meant this time she had something worth fighting for.

* * *

**_"You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. But there's always a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you've done that is it really gone and you can move forward." _Ted Mosby 'How I Met Your Mother' ((Set during: "Home"))**

He had been told once that he carried too much anger inside him. That didn't surprise him. He had never really let go of anything. It wasn't that he didn't want to forgive and forget, but just that he held onto it. There was too much for him to think about to just forgive.

He was angry at everything it seemed. He was angry at the Vulcans for holding them back, he was angry at Starfleet for allowing them. He was angry at the Xindi for attacking Earth, he was angry at the Suliban, the Andorians and almost everyone else who hadn't really helped his mission. He was angry at the crew who hadn't made it home, he was angry with Erika for trying to convince him that he'd done everything he could have done, but most of all, he was angry with himself because he hadn't been able to change anything.

The worst thing was he knew that Erika didn't deserve his anger. Most of the people he was angry with didn't deserve it. His self-loathing was just transitioning to others so he didn't have to face the things he didn't want too. He didn't have to think about all the decisions he could have changed that would have brought more of his crew home. The decisions he could have changed so he could look at himself in the mirror again.

Erika had told him earlier that she wanted to help him find whatever he'd lost, but he wasn't sure if it was something he'd ever be able to find, because he had lost his innocence. He'd lost so much that he didn't know how to get it back. He looked at her and saw what he'd been before. The man who had wanted the best for his planet and his friends. The man she had initially fallen in love with. She had made it clear that she still saw that man within him. How she did he didn't know, but her company had ended up being more comforting than expected.

He laid with her nestled against him, and he enjoyed having her weight there. It was a tangible reminder of what he did still have. Sure, he was still angry, but maybe that was the problem. Could he really move on if he was still angry with so many people and about so many things. If Erika could hear all of his sins, see him at his very worst, and still love him, still believe that he was worth it in the long run, why was he holding himself to a higher standard?

It was time to let go of everything, all the anger and bitterness he had built up. All the problems that came with those would fade away with that. He kissed Erika's cheek gently, feeling her shift gently against him. He whispered his thanks in her ear, wanting her to know exactly how she had helped him, in so many more ways than just one.

* * *

**_"If you had never visited us, never chosen this place on a whim. Would anybody here have died?" _Joan Redfern, Doctor Who (Set during: "Home"))**

There was only so much optimism he could take right now, and Erika was pushing all his buttons. The problem was that a year or so earlier he'd have been as happy and excited as she was about getting out into the great unknown. But she didn't understand, she couldn't understand, the issues and the pains that had been caused by their desire to explore. There was only one example he could use to try and show her that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. "We almost lost Earth."

"_Enterprise_ saved Earth." She countered, and he heard the unspoken words. '_You saved Earth_'. He didn't though, not really. He just stopped one evil thing happening by carrying out his own evil.

"If we weren't out there stirring up trouble 7 million people might still be alive."

"You weren't stirring up trouble you were exploring." Her inflection was one of a patient schoolteacher telling a student that they hadn't done anything wrong, and they didn't need to defend themselves for no good reason.

"I'm not sure there's much of a difference." That was it, was there really a difference between them. Exploration was rarely as straightforward as it appeared to be, and 9 times out of 10 the species that were met were hostile. He didn't even need to only look at the Expanse for that, but also at more than half the species he'd met before then.

"What do you suggest, put our starships' in mothballs?" Erika's tone was incredulous, and he didn't know if she thought he'd lost his mind or if she was genuinely suggesting that that would be the only conclusion to his thoughts. She couldn't have been more wrong.

"No, we need them. But look at the Vulcans. They aren't explorers, they keep their ships close to home."

"That's not the mission either one of us signed up for." She looked at him with an almost pleading look, as if she was begging him to look through himself and see the man he'd been a few years earlier. That man was gone now, though, and it was better that he show her that than pretend things would go back to the way they'd always been.

"Maybe you'll feel differently after you've delivered a few dozen eulogies." Yes, maybe he was being unfair, and maybe he should remind himself of the better times, all the good he had done since gaining command of _Enterprise_. God knew Erika was trying to convince him of that. But had they stayed close to home, had they heeded the Vulcan's warning, would all those people have died. Would there have needed to be the mission he had just returned from, and would he have a need to be telling Erika that it wasn't as simple as she wanted it to be out there. She'd learn soon enough, but until then he'd have to help prepare her, because otherwise she'd be lost too, and that would be a shame.

**_"There's always a choice between what is right and what is easy." _Dumbledore, Harry Potter ((Set during: "Home"))**

"You really think any of this was easy?" The look Jonathan gave her made her freeze in her thoughts. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to say, but it didn't matter. He thought that staying on Earth had been the easy thing. He hadn't sat through the riots, or any of the other issues that had started since the Xindi attack.

"I don't know anymore Erika. I really don't. It can't have been easy here, but at least you knew you did the right thing."

She studied him for a moment and she knew that there was a problem in his mind. She wasn't sure if he really thought he hadn't done the right things. He'd always done what he believed was right. "You've done the right thing, you've always done the right thing. As long as I've known you, you did the right thing. I'm sure they'll find that at the debriefing." She tried to cheer him up, she gently rubbed his arm, hoping that worked.

"What if they don't?"

She shook her head again, he was so determined he'd done something wrong. That Starfleet would find something he did in the expanse wrong and that he would, probably, have to learn to live with that, but she'd read all the reports, and nothing had seemed unfair or outwardly wrong to her. "It's not a trial, Jonathan, it's a debriefing, and it's going to remain classified." She smiled, sliding off the stool she'd climbed on and stopping directly in front of him. "I should go, early start."

"I'll walk you home, you still living on Wood?" He asked, and she just shook her head, while she knew that there was nothing wrong, she also knew he needed a clear head for the morning, and however she tried to restrain herself, she wasn't sure if she could with him alone. Not right now at least when he was so vulnerable. She wanted to look after him, and she knew that was probably not one of the best ideas she'd ever had.

"Yes. You don't have to though."

"Want me to pick you up in the morning?"

"I've got a meeting before the debrief, I'll see you there, Jon. I'll be fine."

"I'll see you tomorrow then." She leant forward and kissed his cheek gently before walking away, saying goodbye to the friends she'd been with before she'd seen Jonathan. His annoyance at himself made her think about what she'd read in his reports. Would she have thought about it the same as he did, would she have made the same decisions he did, and would she have given the same orders he had. She wasn't certain, but she trusted him. Maybe what he had done wasn't the right thing, but it certainly hadn't been the easy thing either.


	3. Chapter 3

**One day I shall come back. Yes I shall come back. Until then there can be no fears, no regrets, no anxieties. Just move forward in all your ****beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine." _First Doctor 'Doctor Who'_ ((Destiny era - 2159))**

He held the isolinear chip between his fingers, staring at it. He had been given this almost 3 years earlier, the first time he'd been back to Earth after Columbia had gone missing. He hadn't watched it, not wanting to know what Erika's last words to him were going to be. Now her will had been executed and she was officially declared killed in action, he no longer had a reason not to watch it.

Her face filled the screen a second after he pushed the chip into its slot, her face clearly showing her vital and alive, exactly as she'd been the last night they'd spent together, looking at the time stamp she had made the recording only earlier that day. He would always remember it, because he couldn't forget. "_So, you're seeing this. Guess that means something happened. I'm sorry, and Jon, if there is anyone else with you save this for later, it's classified_." He watched as her face split into a smile, one he could never see again, and his heart clenched again.

"_I guess something on Columbia went wrong, or some catastrophic situation happened. We always knew it could right? I really don't know what I should say here, I don't want to use this as a goodbye because it isn't goodbye. We will meet again, I'm sure of that. Somehow, you and I have always been drawn together. There are a few things you can promise me though. Don't be afraid to make the hard choices, and don't regret the ones you've already made. I've always known you were right, and I often trusted your judgement far beyond my own._" He watched as she took a deep breath on the screen and wiped her eyes. He didn't even try to wipe his, because any tears he did wipe away would just fall again a moment later.

Once it was clear she'd composed herself she carried on, but Jon wasn't sure he was able to continue. He blinked again and wished he could reach out and pull her through the screen to him. "_I love you, Jonathan. I always have, since the day we met. Remember, in the hangar the first day of the Warp 5 project. You were such a bad flirt, but I thought you were cute. Every day I have spent with you since has been perfect. Please, don't forget me, love you._"

With that the screen went dark, and Jonathan found himself holding one of her shirts, forgetting completely what he was supposed to have been doing, just staring at the darkened screen and wondering where it had all gone so wrong and how he had lost the one person who had mattered most in his adult life. She was gone now, her ship missing and presumed destroyed. It was all he could do not to wish he'd been with her, at least that way he wouldn't have to learn to live without her.

* * *

**"I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming in to work drunk, but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out in any situation I'm in. I needed that." _J.D. 'Scrubs'_ ((Romulan War -2159))**

He'd never seen her in quite the same light as he did right now. Coping was one thing, this was something else entirely, and he should have seen through her earlier.

She wasn't coping, that was a lie she'd told him, probably told herself too, and even after all these years of their friendship and relationship, he still thought of her as unflappable. He still thought that she was always going to be the one to save him, but now, he needed to save her.

All the years, all the times she had come to his rescue, when she had been there by his side as he had put the world to rights, yet when she needed him he wasn't there for her, because he had been too locked inside his own mind, his own unrealistic expectations of her to be better than him in any given situation.

He'd never lived through what she'd gone through, he'd never had to face the horrors she'd faced only months earlier, yet he'd still expected her to bounce back, he'd expected her to become something that was impossible, he'd expected her to be invincible.

The focus needed to shift, and he needed to think about what she needed, what she wanted. He needed to be the one who was there for her, who held her through the pain and suffering and all the terrible things that he didn't want to have to think about. The door was open, and he could hear her tears through it, he could almost feel the pain as it radiated off her. He was done watching, he knew what he needed to do, and his fear faded the longer he looked at her.

"Hey, hey, I've got you." He muttered the moment he had wrapped her into his arms and felt her grasp him with a similar intensity. The longer he sat there, listening to her repeat her sins, listening to her try to make sense of a world that she had long since stopped believing in. It was painful to hear her break herself down, but he knew that once she'd done that she could start rebuilding herself, and maybe that way she would be able to move on, and to recover from this ordeal. Maybe then they could both move on, and the future would suddenly brighten again.

* * *

**"I thought that all the risks would be worth it, because just beyond the next planet, just beyond the next star... there would be something magnificent, something noble. And now he is dead, and I have to make a speech about how worthwhile it's all been." _Jonathan Archer 'Enterprise'_ (("Home"))**

They were sat together on the couch as he relived the last few months again and again. Every minute accounted for in his minds' eye and not one thing telling him for certain what he should do. He had spoken about how space wasn't what he expected, and she had been surprisingly quiet as she thought about his words. "What did you think?" She asked pointedly.

"I don't know, that it would be worth it." Even after two days of talking it out on the mountain and he still wasn't convinced. Returning to San Francisco had reminded him of all his doubts and worries. All it had taken was one phone call and Erika had been there again, ready to listen to him hash everything out, again.

"You mean it wasn't?" She knew the right questions, and she also knew when to call him out. He needed that, he needed to be sure he was doing the right thing. Whatever he chose to do.

"I don't know." His own indecisiveness was his undoing, what was he supposed to say, how was he supposed to act. Did it even really matter.

"You're saying that a lot."

"Because there is a lot I don't know, and telling Starfleet that we need to go back to exploring when I'm still not sure that's the right thing to do is hard." He shook his head, how could they continue to go out there and try to make peace with people who didn't want peace. He'd been into battle far too many times in his short tenure as a Captain, and he had hated the fallout every time.

"Would you honestly be content staying in our tiny corner of the galaxy?"

"When you put it that way." He grinned and kissed her. She had a point, would he really ever be content to sit in the 40 light years of space that made up Earth's sphere of influence? He didn't think so, and he knew that she wouldn't believe him if he'd said he could.

"Jonathan, you will tell Starfleet exactly what really matters, what really happened, and then you'll give the right advice, then in 3 months I'll be out there, and always in comm range whenever you need me." Her words reminded him again that in a few weeks her own journey, her own story, would begin, and it would mean he wasn't alone.

"If this mission was good for anything, it was for this." He whispered, gently pulling her into him. If all he had needed was Erika's outlook, reminding him of the hope and joy he'd had a few years earlier. She had reminded him of the good that there still was in the galaxy, and all the good there was left in his life. She was right, everything he'd done was worth it, he just needed to be reminded from time to time, and he hoped she'd always be there to do so.

* * *

**"We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces." _Meredith 'Grey's Anatomy'_ ((Romulan War -2161))**

"Are you scared?" The voice surprised him a little, as he'd thought she was already asleep, and he'd just been laid thinking about the news they'd got that morning, what were they really going to be, were they really going to be able to do this.

"No." He muttered, kissing the top of her head. Once she looked up he knew that she'd just been thinking about the same things he had, were they too old for this? Were they too jaded and broken to do this magical thing they'd been blessed with.

"Are you lying?" She asked again a second later, and of course he was. He felt the need to deny, to live in denial, probably until he had to face the reality. He wasn't sure if he knew how to face reality in this, but she would make him, that was what she always did.

"Maybe a little. I kind of think we have to in this situation."

"You mean the future or the fact that we're having a baby?" Maybe that was the obvious question again, but it was a valid question, and one had had to think about, he'd only been an Admiral a month, and now they were having a baby. Something they'd both thought they were past, even when they'd wanted it.

"Both?"

"Really?" The sound of surprise in her voice made him look at her again, and he wondered if the same questions were on her mind.

"We probably shouldn't be, we survived the war, we've survived everything else that's been thrown at us, we're finally happy, or that's probably going to be a lie as well and we're just going to lose everything."

"That's a little morbid, isn't it."

"Erika, come on." He shook his head, she sometimes spent too much time looking on the bright side, and this time he just wanted to be afraid and to be worried for a while.

"I can't deny that in the past things haven't always gone smoothly for us, but let's not be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Focus on the excitement, with just a little bit of fear."

"I'll follow your lead then, you're always better at seeing the truth than me." He had never uttered truer words. She had always been the one who pushed him to the boundaries of comfort and probably in this situation that was what he needed. While he wanted to worry, he couldn't really change what was going to happen in a few months. Maybe he should be excited, rather than focusing on the negative things, because this was something that he had always wanted, and he should stop trying to deny his happiness.

* * *

**"When I let a day go by without talking to you. That day is just no good." _Barney Stinson 'How I Met Your Mother'_ (("Observer Effect"))**

He wasn't sure what it was about her, what it was about them now. He'd only been back in space for three days, but he hadn't spoken to her and it was beginning to weigh on him. It was funny, they hadn't spoken for almost 4 years, but after what had happened while they were climbing they had gone right back to what they'd been 4 years earlier. Now that there was a chance for them again, he found himself wanting to see her face every day.

They had left a lot up in the air when _Enterprise_ had left for her assignment, but he had known that he hadn't wanted to let go of Erika again. He had let her go once and he wasn't planning on doing it again. Not when she was the only person who could get through to him when he was being a "stubborn idiot". The love they had shared had been reignited, and he wasn't sure he knew how to go without it.

He knew that it was easy enough for him to get in contact with her, to speak to her about whatever it was that he wanted her for, but he was never sure about doing it. One of his failings was always that he was sure she wouldn't want to speak to him, she had made it obvious that he could call her whenever he wanted, and that she'd actually welcome that. He'd held off for three days, but now he wasn't sure if he could cope another day. He put the call through to the bridge, and a few minutes later Erika's concerned face was there on his screen.

"Jon?" She asked, her concern even more obvious in her voice. He instead smiled at her, wishing they were closer for a second. She gave him a questioning look before speaking again. "Is there a reason you called?"

"I just wanted to say hey." He just continued smiling, studying her face for a moment, and feeling like that sappiest man in the universe, but he had gone 4 years without this, 4 years he regretted being without her support. If now he could call her just to say hey, he would do it at every opportunity.

"You did that." She laughed, and he wondered if she was as relieved as he was just to speak to him. "I'm glad you called Jon." She said a minute later, seeming to read his mind. He laughed, asking her about how _Columbia_'s system integration was coming along, and the two of them spoke about mutual friends, good memories, just reconnecting on yet another level. Something else they'd needed to do. If he could, he would speak to her every day from that day on, just to ask her how she was.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm pretty sure that this chapter begins the month where I only wrote "Home" episode tags for a challenge.**

* * *

**"You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something." _Perry Cox 'Scrubs' _((Set: 2164))**

She shook her head, knowing that this wasn't over, but the fact they were in the middle of a corridor with Hoshi stood at her shoulder cut off any argument they would have now. She held a hand up and stopped him. "I'll see you when I get home, and we'll sort it out."

"Don't be too late Rike." He leant forward and gave her a light kiss before turning and walking away. She turned to Hoshi and shrugged.

"Why can't things be so easy for every couple?" Her friend asked, clearly thinking about her own relationship.

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't seem to matter what situation you're in, you and Jon just work through it. Like, 5 minutes ago you were about ready to kill each other and now you're just, calm and composed?"

"Oh, I'm fuming, and by the time I get home tonight I expect him to have put Serena to bed so that we can have an argument then, more than likely, angry make-up sex. That's just the way we work." She smiled, hoping that Hoshi understood what she meant. It wasn't easy, but it was what they had to do.

"How do you even do that? When I fight with Trip we generally don't talk for days, I can't imagine just getting over it."

"The simple thing is, when you love someone, and you've had as long to know each other as Jon and I have... The details don't matter. You don't agree on everything, you can't, but you also know that in the long run taking a break and a breath and letting it go for a while is best. Because when the time is right one of you will stand up and say that they were wrong, and they will be able to let it go. For me, Jonathan is worth being wrong for, and I hate being wrong."

She smiled, shrugging as she looked down at the simple white gold band that had been her proof of their bond for the last 5 years, not that she'd ever really needed one, and thought about why he was worth it. "We've been friends for 25 years now, more than half my life, and in a relationship on and off that whole time, we've got Serena who was a miracle I never thought we'd get. Believe me, it gets easier to just let things go. It's how you know you're meant to be together. No matter what crap gets thrown at you, you just let it go because you're better with that other person." That was the honest truth. He made her a better person, and together they had plenty going for them. Thinking more about the situation made her even more anxious to get out of the meeting and get home, even if there was going to be a disagreement coming, and she knew there was, she would still rather be at home, fighting with him, than anywhere else in the universe.

* * *

**"You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something." _Perry Cox 'Scrubs'_ ((Set: "Home"))**

The night before had proven something, hadn't it? It had proven that he could still love someone, and it had proven that the love they as a couple had shared for all these years was still as strong as it had ever been. He genuinely was glad she'd come, and he was happy that she could see him now, happier than he'd felt in a long too. "You know, there's still something I'm not quite clear about."

"What's that?"

"Why did we stop seeing each other?" That was the killer question. There were a million reasons, really, but only one as to why they didn't try harder. Starfleet had come first, as it always had throughout their relationship, and their career. He didn't need to go into the other reasons, because had the over-arching one not mattered, they would have been able to work through the rest.

"I was your superior officer, it wasn't appropriate."

"You're not my superior anymore." That was all he really needed to know. She still loved him, and if they were lucky they could try and make a go of it. There weren't many things in his life he truly regretted, but letting her go had been one of them. He'd never really gotten over it, but now he had the chance to start all over again.

* * *

**"Only the good die young." _Arnold Judas Rimmer 'Red Dwarf' _**

It was over in a minute and now there was a truth that he had to face. The only name, the only face, he could put to the tragedy even almost a year later was one he'd never thought he'd have to face. Maybe thinking about Elizabeth was making it too personal. That was something that Erika had said at least, and even if she hadn't he would probably have figured that out before too long.

She had been so young. He remembered first meeting her once when she'd visited Trip at the project, long before Enterprise. She'd been all of 17, and Trip had joked that she had a crush on him. He had laughed at that, but he remembered that day. He'd remembered a few things since he'd made her his face of what he was doing.

He'd seen Trip's emotional collapse in the wake of the tragedy, and he'd seen how everyone on Earth had changed in the 9 months they'd been in the Expanse. He'd listened to Erika's details about the riots, and the problems. About the marriages and births, deaths and reunions. She'd told him mostly the good, and had skated over the bad.

The good rarely lasted as long as they should have, that was often the problem, and with what he'd done he'd probably outlive everyone who mattered to him. If the good died young, those who had tortured, stranded, stolen and killed probably lived forever. That was the stigma he was going to have to live with, the burden he needed to live with. It didn't matter the outcome, did it? If the methods used to reach it were evil?

"It's not your fault Jonathan, you did the right thing." The voice from his side startled him. He hadn't even realised Erika was still awake, they'd fallen into silence and he'd presumed she'd fallen asleep. He looked down to her, and the brightness of her eyes reminded him once again that she didn't carry the damage he did. She tensed the arm that was across his stomach, giving him a light squeeze. "I know what you were thinking."

"How did you know?" He asked, she had always known him too well, as long as they'd known each other she'd had an insight no other had. Once upon a time he had found it concerning, now he found it endearing.

"I've known you a long time, and I know your tells." He nodded at her and tried to believe her. Tried to believe it wasn't his fault, he returned her squeeze, lapsing again into silence. He knew logically that she was right, that he wasn't completely at fault, but he didn't believe it. Emotionally it was still all his fault. Erika squeezed him again, and he looked down to her, again certain that she was there in his mind, but he wouldn't stop her, this was what he needed, and he knew she wouldn't let him go on blaming himself.

* * *

**"I see you again, it cuts me up inside, and the person I share that with is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way." _Angel 'Angel'_ ((Set: "Home"))**

"I'm just trying to get away from you."

He couldn't look at her, not really, because every time he did he was crushed by the pain and guilt and every other emotion that he'd been struggling with for the last several days, the last several months.

She didn't have any reason to hurt the way he did, she didn't have any reason to feel the way he did. Maybe he was being too harsh by wanting her to just leave him alone, she was only trying to help him get over it.

That didn't make him feel any better though. He needed to stop, he needed to just let go, but he couldn't, not yet. He needed to keep it to himself because telling her would make it all too real.

But didn't she need to know, she deserved to know.

"I look at you, and I see the person I was three years ago."

* * *

**"Sometimes you roll the dice on people. That's what we did, all of us, when we signed on this journey. You take what you get. There are too many ways to die out here and the one thing we can't do is kill each other. We're all we have." _John Roxton 'The Lost World'_ ((Set: "Home"))**

"There has been a lot said and done the last few months, we've gone through a lot. Every single one of us lost something in the Expanse. Parts of ourselves that we may never be able to get back. But the important thing is that we're alive, and that we've made it back. We saved Earth not once but twice, and we also saved ourselves. As you return to your families for your relief leave remember that, you're a hero in their eyes, in the eyes of the planet. You helped save Earth, and that's important." He paused for a second and looked out over the gathered crew, all were there to listen to him speak about the mission they were returning from. This speech was so much easier to give than the one he would be required to give when they returned to Earth, when his crew would be thrown into the limelight that none of them had really wanted, but they had known it would come with the job.

"The one thing that we can't forget are the people we lost. The friends and colleagues who didn't make it back to Earth with us. Those whose bodies are even now being returned to their families. There are enough ways for us to die out there, but we held on to ourselves and that made us stronger, made things work better for us and for all those we served with. All we have are the people on this ship, and our friends and colleagues back at Starfleet. In the next few months the spaceways will be graced with another great ship, and she'll be our back-up. Between us we will have to depend on one another, we are, quite literally, the only ones out there from Earth." He stopped again, aware that he was beginning to ramble, and that rarely ended well for anyone. He thought briefly about how he wanted to end, how he wanted this speech to be remembered by his crew, and the words seemed to fall from his lips with no conscious thought.

"When we signed onto this mission we knew that we might not make it back, and that was something we all accepted. Starfleet and MACO alike. We knew that this wasn't going to be easy. You all took a chance on me, and trusted me to bring you home. I failed for 27 members of this crew. But their sacrifice will never be forgotten, and the months of your life you gave to this mission will never be forgotten either. We have secured a place in history. Now it's time to rest, to recuperate, and in a few weeks we will return to our mission, our real mission, the final frontier needs explorers, and it has us." He smiled at the last, stepping back a little to enjoy the moment as his crew all separated out, getting ready for their goodbyes and their returns to the families who had waited for them.


	5. Chapter 5

**All of these drabbles are set during "Home" except one.**

* * *

**"To lose is to win, and he who wins shall lose." _The First Doctor, Doctor Who_**

The head in front of him lifted up and fixed him with a bleary but steady look. "Winning and losing, it's subjective, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Jon asked, wondering exactly how much of the bottle Trip had managed to get through while they'd been watching the game.

"Do we ever really win anything."

"I'm not following, Trip."

"We come back here, and we're the heroes, and we disappear off each on our own for two weeks, you do whatever you did here, I went to Vulcan and did my thing. When we left you looked like a kicked puppy, now you're more cheerful than I've seen you in months, and me-" Trip took another drink from his almost empty glass before continuing. "I'm more miserable than I was before we got home."

"And your point is."

"You thought you'd lost everything, but whatever you did has convinced you that there is something good. I'm the opposite. So maybe, there are no winners or losers, only people."

"I think it's time I cut you off. Existential discussions at 4am are not my forte." He shook his head, standing up and helping Trip to his feet, there was a point in every night that required a firm had to say that it was bedtime.

"Not mine either."

"Go to bed, Trip. That's an order." He watched as the engineer grumbled only slightly while leaving the room, and Jon sat back for a moment, thinking about what Trip had said. The worrying thing was that the rather drunk engineer had had a point. Winning and losing often did go hand in hand, and not always in that order.

* * *

**"Scars show us where we've been, they do not dictate where we're going" _David Rossi 'Criminal Minds_**

She just watched him and wondered what it would take to actually help him. She wasn't so convinced that he had changed as much as he seemed to think he had. She could still see the man she had fallen in love with all those years earlier. He could see the negative and nothing else, but she could still see all the good he had done, and would do in the future.

"Jonathan, go to sleep." She said, listening to him pace along the mountain. It wasn't all that surprising really, she knew that he was trying to get it all out, trying to forget what had happened to him in the expanse.

"I can't settle, I keep thinking about all the things that I did, that I tried to do. Everything that I couldn't do or save while there." She reached out and pulled him down beside her, hoping that would be enough to at least distract him, even if it was only for a few minutes.

"You can't let the decisions you made in the past dictate what you do now, you have made the right decisions and that's what matters. You and Enterprise saved Earth, and that was it, that was what you went there to do. Don't always focus on the negative aspects of the mission."

"Erika, how do you stay so positive?" He asked, looking so confused and innocent with the question. She stopped and let him wrap his arms around her as she thought about the answer to his question, she wondered if he would accept the only answer she could come up with.

"Because of you, and my father, and everyone else who has made an impact on my life for the better."

"I'm not someone you should look up too, Rike."

"Maybe not, but you're the man I've been in love with for 15 years, who always cheers me up when I need it." She looked back at him, smiling as he leant forward to kiss her gently. All she could think about now was how their climbing trip would be over in a day or so. She wasn't ready for it to end, she wasn't ready to have to let him go again, more than that, she didn't want to let him go again. "I know we said we were going to leave it, leave us, on this mountain, but I don't want too. I have loved you for so long, and I left you once before. I don't want to be without you again. I know that sounds more than a little pathetic, but I'm old enough to know that that isn't important. I want to keep hold of what we have, Jonathan, because it's important."

"I know." Were the only words he needed to say for her to be sure he knew what he was agreeing too. As he wrapped her tighter she thought about his scars, but she could handle them, and they could turn a new page.

* * *

**"No, it isn't after the kind of ordeal you went through, happy is wrong, this is how you're supposed to feel, your brains all jumbled up trying to sort things out, try to roll with it, let it do what it needs to do, just let it flow like a river." _Marshall Mann 'In Plain Sight'_**

He could tell that he had been pushing her all day. Maybe pushing her just a little too far. Questioning everything she said, countering or denying every positive remark or comment about how he'd done the best he could. Arguing every point to the point he could see her frustration beginning to peak through, right up until she'd announced that he was being an ass and she was going to sleep. He still had one question to ask her, before she probably ignored him for the rest of the trip. "Why are you trying to cheer me up?"

"I'm not trying to cheer you up, I'm trying to make you see that it's not as bad as you make it out to be. You and your crew experienced awful things, horrific things, and you're not supposed to forget that, but you do need to just move along and let it go, otherwise it will take you down with it, and you'll end up burnt out, a loudmouth drinking in a bar somewhere telling everyone that you were once someone important." He hadn't seen her this passionate about something in a long time. He hadn't seen her try to push him in even longer. She was so stubborn, and her thoughts were so different to his, but suddenly things made a little more sense. She pulled her sleeping mat out of her backpack and looked over at him through the darkness between them. "I don't care if you're never happy again, Jon. You would have the right after all you've been through, just please, don't give up hope that there is something better out there." With that, she pulled her sleeping bag to her chin and turned away from him.

He sat in a stunned silence, mulling over her words. She was right, of course, that he probably would end up that way if he let this depression or melancholy take him over. Hope, how could he hope for anything when the negative forces seemed so completely overwhelming. Even as he slid into his own sleeping back his thoughts were on the things she'd yelled at him. Maybe he couldn't hope for the best, not just yet, but he could let the situation flow from beginning to end.

* * *

**"No, it isn't after the kind of ordeal you went through, happy is wrong, this is how you're supposed to feel, your brains all jumbled up trying to sort things out, try to roll with it, let it do what it needs to do, just let it flow like a river." _Marshall Mann 'In Plain Sight' ((Set during "The Expanse"))_**

There was nowhere he could go to escape the feelings, the crushing dread and anger, the despondency and depression, the mood swings and exhaustion and every other emotion he had felt in the last few weeks.

Seeing that mark of destruction, kilometres long, kilometres wide... It was like the final nail in the coffin for him. He had known since news of the attack reached Enterprise that his sister hadn't made it out of their town before the weapon had come. He didn't know how he'd known it, he just had.

Everyone had gone out of their way to pass on condolences. Elizabeth had given the whole crew a connection to the tragedy, and they had all gathered a few weeks earlier, on the trip back, to have an impromptu memorial for those who were lost. He hadn't gone. He hadn't wanted to face any more pain.

* * *

**"I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could, but because after 20 years when things go badly you still take it this hard. I gotta tell you, that's the kind of person I want to be." _J.D. 'Scrubs'_**

She'd spent enough time with him over the two weeks Enterprise had remained on Earth to know exactly what his issues were. It didn't matter to him that the good thing had been accomplished, that he had done the right things and had completed his mission. All that he could see were the losses, and the failures he hadn't managed to stop.

Tonight she was just laid next to him, stroking his chest and studying him as he thought. She didn't know what was going on in his mind, she didn't know where his thoughts had taken him. All she knew was that as they laid there in the darkness, they were both absorbed in their own thoughts. They hadn't had the chance to just lay together in silence and contemplate what was happening in their lives, in their careers. In the 4 years since they had broken up, she had missed the guidance he could give her without saying a word. His presence was sometimes enough.

"I'm proud of you." She muttered, still keeping her eyes on him. He turned his head towards her, not moving a single other muscle until their eyes had met again, at which point he lifted his hand and threaded his fingers through hers. "I'm proud that even after everything that you've seen, everything that you've done, you don't pretend that it hasn't affected you." She didn't know what was driving her to tell him, and for the first time since his return from the Expanse he didn't argue with her, and he didn't tell her to stop. He just listened. "It is part of you, and you let it teach you. That's the kind of Captain I want to be. I want to still look back, years down the line, and know that even if I didn't make the best decision, I made the right choice." She watched as he gently bit his lip, her words clearly affecting him in a way she hadn't expected.

"Just promise me, Rike, that whatever happens, you won't let those decisions take over your life." His request seemed to be simple, but she could tell that he knew it wasn't. He was still trying to protect her, still trying to let her know that it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. She knew that, but she also knew that she had an advantage. She had someone she could fall back on when she needed.

"I will, if you will." She smiled a little as his hand squeezed hers. His miniscule nod was enough to give her the hope that he was going to be OK, he was going to get through it all, and even with the issues that had reared their head, he would fight them, and the unspoken promise was there. She was always there, no matter what. If he needed her, she was just a call away, and she knew the reverse was true. That was how they were, and she was proud of that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Once again, will state when the thing is.**

* * *

**"How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life." _James Kirk 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan' _((Set: "Home"))**

Maybe he wasn't as equipped to deal with what had happened as he'd once believed. That was the only explanation, wasn't it. He had been pissed with Soval before but never been quite so in his face about it. He'd disagreed with Forrest before but never come quite so close to insubordination.

He'd had issues with Erika before, but never came so close to wishing she hadn't been in his life.

That was the trigger. That was the thing that made it clear to him that maybe he did have an issue. Maybe he wasn't coping with the losses he'd made in the Expanse, or the pain he felt whenever he thought about the crew who didn't make it home.

Survivor guilt, he knew that's what it was, but knowing that wasn't actually going to change anything, and it wasn't going to make anything he did better. It wasn't going to change the outcome. He had to start learning to deal with the deaths he hadn't been able to prevent, along with the countless lives he'd saved.

He needed to stop thinking of everything as being his fault, because so much of it wasn't. He needed to let go and start living again. Maybe that was the next challenge.**  
**

* * *

**"Yeah, well. That's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know." _Jack O'Neill 'Stargate SG-1'_ ((Set: 2169))**

He had gotten far too used to his seven year old hiding away from everything. As the animal was placed on the table in front of her she hid behind him, even as their younger child sat forward on his mother's lap and patted it. "Daddy what is it?"

"It's a type of lizard, Rena. It won't hurt you." He pulled her from behind him and settled her on his lap, making sure the she could still reach everything she needed.

After she stared at the dragon-esque lizard for a minute more she buried her head in his neck and muttered, "I don't like it."

"Why not."

"It looks scary"

"It's not scary, look, HC is stroking it and it's not hurting him."

"I don't like it, can you ask it to go away please?" Serena's tears continued, and Jon shot an exasperated look at his wife before he picked the lizard off the table and returned it to the keeper who was handing them out to the families gathered around to see the animals. He turned back round to see Erika holding Serena in a tight hug, and he thought about Serena's reaction again. Maybe to him it was only a lizard, but to her it could have been a monster. She didn't know what it was, and human nature had her being afraid of it. In the future he was sure she'd hold that lizard, but for now he would let her cry, but at least she'd know for next time.

* * *

**"Yeah, well. That's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know." _Jack O'Neill 'Stargate SG-1'_ ((Set: between "Home" and "Borderland"))**

"Have you ever been so afraid of something that you knew didn't matter, not really, but you can't stop yourself being terrified." He said suddenly, not even realising he'd spoken aloud at first.

"What are you talking about?"

"We've been on Earth two weeks, and I've managed to get myself in a position I've not been in for years."

"You saw Captain Hernandez, didn't you?" Trip just stared at him for a moment before almost laughing.

"How the hell did you know that?"

"Because the last time you fell over your words this much was last year after you called her and you told her you were still in love with her. I'd say you have nothing to be afraid of." Trip was clearly not as worried about his revelations and confusions as Jon himself was. He knew that Trip had his own heavy stuff to talk about, but the engineer had so far remained rather quiet on the subject of T'Pol's marriage. Leaving Jon with ample opportunity to think and speak.

"It's the unknown though, isn't it? How can I not be terrified by the fact that I might still have a chance with her, but Starfleet comes first?"

"You're an idiot."

"Be careful, Commander."

"You don't get to pull that one on me when you're talking about your personal life." Trip shook his head with a smile, then leant back and went to focusing on the game again.

* * *

**"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." _Harry Potter, 'Prisoner of Azkaban' _((Set: "Home"))**

"How do you get yourself in these situations." He smiled, passing her another one of the heat packs from the first aid kit they'd brought with them. All she'd needed to do was get the bags, and she'd managed to turn her ankle over. A few days ago he'd probably have found himself annoyed by it, but now he just remembered that it was one of her particular quirks.

"Because-" She trailed off, trying to think of an appropriate reason, when it got to the point she realised she couldn't think of one she just turned to him and smiled. "Because shut up. That's why."

"You have an uncanny ability to find injury." She grimaced and looked up at him, he knelt down and slid his hand over hers around her ankle, trying not to laugh at the hiss of pain she let out as he did. Maybe he was being a little bit sadistic?

She shook her head a moment later, clearly making the decision to ignore the pain. "It generally finds me. That's at least half the problem."

"What's the other half?"

"My stubbornness at having to call you in to help every time."

"I can't argue with that." He grinned, kissing the scrape that was on the knee in front of him before shaking his head again. Maybe everything would be better if she wasn't so stubborn, but there wouldn't be any fun in it.

* * *

**"Nothing worth having comes easy" _Dr Kelso, 'Scrubs'_ ((Set: "Home"))**

Home. They were home. He was home. But was it really that simple? Had they really done all of that and managed to return to this point.

Not that it had been easy, emotionally, physically, it had been the opposite of easy. But now that it was over, he couldn't help but think like it wasn't over.

Now the hard part was, surely, moving on from everything that had happened. The debriefing, taking some leave, visiting his mother. All the other things he should really do now he was home, rather than spend the next few weeks wallowing in self-pity and despair.

He had saved Earth, and that was worth him having a few sleepless nights.


	7. Chapter 7

**All five of these are set during or slightly after "Home" (and also includes the first Trip/Hoshi drabble)**

* * *

**"I can't try to save humanity without holding on to what makes me human" _Jonathan Archer 'Enterprise'_**

The third night of their climbing trip closed in around them, and as they sat together by the fire they'd built, she heard his cogs turning before he turned to her, a question clearly on his mind. "What really makes us human?"

"I thought basic biology makes us human."

"Rike." He scolded a little, and she felt bad for her sarcasm. He was asking her a serious question, and she needed to put her serious head on for it.

"Sorry, go on."

"When you think about basic human characteristics, what would you think of?"

That question brought her up a little short. What would she think? There were so many choices. "I'm not sure, compassion, morality, alcohol."

"I don't think alcohol is solely human." He smiled a little at her suggestions, and she knew he was right, but that didn't make her change her mind about it, especially not when she thought back to her younger years.

"The amount I've been known to drink is."

He took a sip of the water and looked at her with that one, and she knew that he was probably thinking about the many, many times they had gone drinking together in the past. "OK. I won't argue with that. But let's not think of alcohol. I told you I lost something out in the Expanse. I think that's what I lost. I lost my humanity. I lost the things that make me human. My compassion, my sense of morals, my innocence. I left them behind."

"I don't believe that." She argued, she knew he had problems, especially at the moment, but she didn't believe that he'd lost anything. "You're here, and you're worried about the decisions you made, the effects it had. That tells me your morality and compassion is in place. Maybe you don't have the innocence you had once, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. You're the only one who thinks these negative things, Jonathan."

"To everyone else I'm a hero, I know."

"Not to me." She shook her head and reached for his hand, threading her fingers through his.

"What am I to you then?"

"You're my best friend, you're one of the most loyal, attentive and caring men I've ever known. You're Jon. Whatever you think you've lost, I don't see it. I see you swinging from mood to mood, elation to depression, and I think in your situation that would be normal. But you've not lost anything. You're still the man I've known and loved for 14 years." He still looked as though he didn't believe her, and she prepared to argue her point further when he finally broke into a small smile and nodded. Maybe, for once, she had won part of the battle.

* * *

**"I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. Y'know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do?" _Dean Winchester 'Supernatural'_**

He sounded so pained, so desolate, and she had to try and figure out a way to tell him that he wasn't all to blame. It wasn't all his fault, and he shouldn't take it all on. "You've never let me down."

"Really? Coz I apparently do a damn good job of letting everyone else down?"

"Explain?" She moved a little closer to him, and he took hold of her hand, tracing the bones as he thought about his answer. She could almost hear his thoughts, and she wondered if he was trying to find the right words, or pick the right people. She just let him think, knowing that, eventually, he would know what he wanted to say.

"Dad, my crew, everyone."

"I don't see how you think you've let your father down, considering you're captaining the first ship with his engine, the engine you fought for when everyone else thought it wasn't going to work. Your crew? I don't see that. You took some losses, but you brought most of them home-"

He cut her off, and she cocked her head, studying him through the ray of the sun. Their lunch break was surely nearly over, but if he was ready to open up, she would extend it. "Erika, I don't know how to live with this."

"You'll figure it out, Jon. We'll figure it out." She leant forward and kissed him again, and she knew that was the truth. One way or another, together, they could figure out a way for him to move past the scars he had from the expanse, and she would help in any way she possibly could.

* * *

**"If I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world or sitting at home with you eating a pizza and watching a crappy TV show. I'd choose you every time." _JD 'Scrubs'_**

His first few hours back on Enterprise had been an odd mix of annoyance and anger, but spotting Hoshi watching something in the mess hall gave him a golden opening to not only wind Hoshi up, but to try and cheer himself up at the same time, and he knew that Hoshi would just let him. "What's on?" He asked as he stopped almost over her shoulder. He didn't understand a word of what was being said, he couldn't even guess at the language, but it seemed Hoshi had been so engrossed she hadn't heard him come up behind her.

"What?" She snapped, dropping the padd with a jump.

"You were watching something?" He teased, feeling his grin grow as the blush rose in her cheeks.

"Nothing." She defended, badly.

"Were you watching a soap?"

"No."

"You were."

"Shouldn't you be fixing the engines now that the refit is done?" She deflected his questions as he tried to look over her shoulder at the PADD again, just to confirm what she was watching before he sat on the seat beside her again and decided to give up.

"I'm taking a few hours, and right now, I'd rather be here teasing you." He grinned and pulled her almost empty bowl of pretzels toward him and stealing one. Some things were no longer possible, but his friends were still there, and he wouldn't change that.

* * *

**"Love is not only blind but stupid." _Al Bundy 'Married With Children'_**

"She took you back then?" Trip asked, standing away from the monitor as the face of Columbia's captain faded.

"How did you-? Never mind." Jon shook his head, not really sure he wanted to hear Trip's description of how he'd known he and Erika had begun seeing each other again. "She did. Which is far more than I deserve."

"She loves you. If you can't see that you must be blind, and maybe stupid."

He sighed, and knew that Trip had a point. That didn't actually make him feel all that much better though. He was the happiest when he was with her, or talking to her, and the distance he was going to have now was going to be more difficult than he'd ever imagined. "I know she loves me, that's part of the terrifying thing."

"I knew you two would end up together again. Even if you are a bit stupid when it comes to her." Trip grinned, and again, Jon had to admit he had a point. Erika had always had a strange position in his life. They had been attracted to one another since almost the moment they had met, but he had denied it, even while trying to impress her.

"Always have been, kind of. She's far better than I deserve, what she sees in me I have no idea."

"Me either, but she sees something. Are you going to see her before we leave tomorrow?"

"Probably. I said I'd take her a list of recommendations for Columbia's senior staff."

"I'll see you when you get back to Enterprise in the morning then." The grin on the engineers face as he left the room still seemed a little forced, but it was obvious Trip was trying his best, and maybe focusing on his Captain's love life was just the distraction Trip needed.

* * *

**"Here's to the best friend I've ever had, could ever hope to have, a girl for whom no man will ever be good enough, I hope you know that... I love you and I wish for you nothing but a lifetime of happiness." _Marshall Mann 'In Plain Sight'_**

One day this would all be a bad memory, it wouldn't matter that she was marrying someone else, marrying someone he didn't think deserved her.

Yes he loved her, she was one of his best friends, a woman he knew would never need a man to validate her, because she had been so much more than that for as long as he'd known her.

Why was he the wrong one for her? Because nobody would ever be good enough for her. Nobody. If she thought he was worth it, and he made her happy, then he would keep his peace, because more than anything in life, he wanted her to be happy. That was the important thing.


	8. Chapter 8

**All five of these are set during or slightly after "Home" **

* * *

**"Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself." _Dumbledore 'Harry Potter'_**

She sat and looked up at him, wondering when he was going to stop pretending. He'd lectured her about eulogies and ships and how things weren't what she expected, but he hadn't actually spoken about his experiences. She was so tired of him pretending that his mood wasn't a reaction to the Xindi and the Expanse. "You don't get to pretend it didn't happen."

"I know it happened, I just don't want to think about it." He said, still looking off into the distance.

"Jon." She moved a little closer to him, hoping that she would be able to do something or say something that could just break him out of this mood. Instead he turned to her, and she wasn't sure whether he was angry, frustrated, annoyed or just so beaten down that he was convinced there was nothing he could do.

"Do you really think that talking about it is going to magically help, Erika." He slid down onto the rock besides her again and shook his head. "The fear won't go away just because I talk about it. The effects won't go away. I don't have a choice in what happened there, but I don't have to relive it."

She studied him a few minutes, and the longer she watched him the easier it was to see that he was just avoiding the point. Avoiding the pain, maybe. She didn't know, but she did know the first lesson they were taught when promoted to captaincy. You couldn't be responsible for everything, even on the ship you commanded, and you needed to face the problems to get over them. She could only remind him of that, it was a lesson she would have thought he'd learnt long ago. "Avoiding it will only make it harder to face when the time comes. You're 42 years old, Jon. I shouldn't need to tell you this."

"You don't. There are things I know, but can't accept. This happens to be one of them." His stubbornness reminded her of years earlier, when he had always been the worst judge of his work.

"Well, you need to accept it, because sooner or later you'll be out there again, and when you are you can't be second guessing your decisions because you never dealt with your issues. I'm willing to be your sounding board, you just need to be willing to talk."

"Well. What if I'm not?" He replied, and with that she knew that rational arguments weren't going to break through to him, they weren't going to convince him to open up. She'd be there when he finally did let his walls down, if he ever did, and she would try and give the best advice she could.

* * *

**"Alright fine, you want to know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with, and you know as well as I do that one of these days he's going to open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really preferred except you never told him that and you wanna know why? Because he's not right for you." _J.D. 'Scrubs'_**

"You're an idiot." The first words out of Simon Hernandez's mouth were not the words Erika had expected to hear after laying out her issues to him. Whenever she had a serious decision to make, she called her brother. Not only would he actually listen to her, unlike their mother, he had good advice most of the time.

"What?" She demanded, a little annoyed at his response. He just laughed a little, and then shook his head while staring at her.

"Remember before I met Maria?"

"Yeah, you were with that girl, Kate?"

"You hated her, and you told me that if I chose her over Maria I'd be making a giant mistake. You were right. So take this as returning the favour. If you don't take this chance with Jonathan, you will regret it for the rest of your life." He looked at her, and she felt like he could see through her. He knew her too well. That was the problem.

"What if I regret taking the chance?" She asked, and that was her biggest fear. What if she took the chance on Jonathan and ruined what friendship they could rebuild. She had only just gotten him back in her life, and while their positions had been clear on the mountain, back home in the cold light of San Francisco she doubted herself, and she doubted anything to do with her.

"You wouldn't have gone climbing with him if you would regret anything with him. Talk to him, Rike. He'll understand and you'll feel better."

"Thanks Si." She nodded, listening to his point, and sure that he was probably right.

"I will call you tomorrow, go speak to him now, before Enterprise leaves again." He grinned and shut off the comm, and that was that. She knew she was going to have to listen to her brother's advice. He was probably right about this, and he always gave her good advice, so she was going to follow this.

* * *

**"So... I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But the most damning thing of all... I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again - I would." _Ben Sisko 'Deep Space Nine'_**

"Was Soval right?" He hadn't expected to hear a voice call out to him as he strode down the main corridor. He stopped and backtracked to the only open door he'd gone past, and was slightly surprised to see Erika there, clearly going over some reports she'd been neglecting while overseeing the building of _Columbia_.

"Pardon?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe, studying her. The office was tiny, and almost exactly the same as the one he'd had while _Enterprise_ had still been under construction.

"I heard him say something about living with your decisions."

"How did you hear that?" He asked, ignoring an ensign who walked along the corridor behind him.

"I was walking back to the hangar from Forrest's office." She shrugged, and he wondered if maybe he should have kept his conversation with the Ambassador a little more private. Hopefully only Erika had overheard the conversation.

"Oh. I think he was right. I made decisions I'm not proud of, and a week ago I wasn't sure I could live with it, but now-" he trailed off as he thought of an appropriate word or phrase for how he felt now. How she had helped him change his thinking to where he could see that he had done what was right. "Now I know that I did everything I could to save the most amount of lives, and if I had to make the same decisions again, I would." He smiled and looked back along the corridor, making sure there was nobody in earshot. "Thank you, Rike. For everything."

"Any time Jonathan. Repay me with dinner, tonight, at Tommy's place?" She asked, and he knew that the undercurrent of the request was that they still needed to discuss where they were. That was definitely the easiest decision to make. He wasn't letting her get away again.

"It's a date." He grinned and turned away from her doorway again. Knowing that without a doubt he had made the right decisions. That knowledge would allow him to not only come to terms with what had happened in the Expanse, but would also ensure he could live with the fall out.

* * *

**"But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why." _Samwise Gamgee 'The Lord of the Rings'_**

He laid there and thought, looking up at the stars as he felt Erika's hand lazily stroke circles on his stomach. It amazed him a little how quickly they had fallen into their old routines, their old habits, despite the years since their first break up. He knew that if he could talk to anyone about how he was feeling right now, it would be her. "Remember when you were little, and you heard all those stories about the famous heroes, King Arthur and Robin Hood?"

"I think everyone remembers those stories."

"When I was younger, maybe even right up until we were in the Expanse and I was giving those orders, I was going to be one of those heroes, who always fought for the best and put good before evil. That was naive, but for some reason it stuck with me."

"You made the decisions that were necessary, they don't make you a bad person." She lifted herself up on her elbow, and he just looked up at her. Did he really deserve to be told that he had done the right things in every situation.

"Don't they?"

"Even Robin and Arthur made bad choices, the legends themselves tell you that."

He just watched her a second longer, before posing the question he'd asked several times in so many different ways since they'd begun this trip. Her answer had been uniform, but that still wasn't stopping him ask. Expecting her usual one word answer. "Do you really believe I can redeem myself of the decisions I made?"

"I think you're already on that road." She started, and put her finger on his lips when he went to respond. She leant down and kissed him before she continued. "Bad things, bad decisions, bad choices. They don't stay with us forever. As time goes on the cloud lifts and they fade, we make things better. The ends justify the means, even when the means are less than the ideal." Her eyes told him that she truly believed that, and he had to believe her. She had a much better perspective on his decisions, she hadn't made them, she hadn't implemented them. She was just another captain, telling him that she would have made the same choices, and that if he felt bad about them, then he was already on the way to healing.

"When did you get so wise?" He asked after digesting her answer. For once completely unsure that his self-recrimination was what was needed. Maybe she was right. He needed to accept it, and then it would lift.

"I had to do something while you were being the hero." She teased, and her smile reminded him of all the reasons he still had to smile, all the reasons he still had to be proud of what he was doing. Four days out here had been long enough for her to break his walls. Somehow he knew he'd come out of this, just like his childhood heroes always had.

* * *

**"May have been the losing side, still not convinced it was the wrong one." _Malcolm Reynolds 'Firefly'_**

He couldn't imagine anything harder than this homecoming. It didn't matter what everyone here though, he had lost. He had been on the losing side, but that didn't mean he was on the wrong side. Earth had been saved, he had brought his crew home, largely, and they were going to get a heroes' welcome any minute. They would be cheered and interviewed and discussed. They were going to be easily the most recognised people on the planet, but he still wasn't sure he was ready for it. Because while Earth may have won, he hadn't. He had done his duty, but he had lost too much to truly celebrate.


	9. Chapter 9

**OK. Once again I'll comment on the drabble when it's set.**

* * *

**"This whole situation. It's all helped me see things more clearly. He's gone, so many of my friends are gone. There's no reason to stay. Not for me, not for them. I suppose I've known that for a long time now, but it's just hard to move on, isn't it? It's hard to close that chapter." _Elizabeth Corday, 'ER'_ ((Set: Destiny Era - 16th century))**

What was really left for her now. She was an old woman, somehow living past those who had come with her. There were too many thoughts in her head, too many regrets and missed chances. She was alone, and there was so few ways out for her.

Her past was the future. Her future, what little of it she had left, was the past. Everything she knew and had known wouldn't happen for centuries. Everyone she knew hadn't been born, their ancestors were probably running around northern Europe right now, but it would still be a long time before they would come.

She'd known for a long time that there was a time when she would need to let go of everything, when she would just need to trust that she could stop, and that she would wake up and find herself encased in Jonathan's arms just one more time. Listening to the stupid things he would whisper in her ear, trying to act like she was asleep all the while knowing he knew she was awake.

But Jonathan was lost to her, right as they were beginning to build their relationship up again. That was one of the many things she regretted. She should have fought harder for him, for them. At least she had had the chance to love him, and know he loved her.

All of her friends were gone, her crew were gone. All she had left was her frail and brittle body. While her mind may still be as sharp as it ever had been, she wasn't sure she could let herself go, and she was almost certain that she didn't deserve absolution. Not after what she had done, the decisions she had made.

When Jonathan had suffered with something similar she had been there to support him. Now all she could do was picture him in her mind as she made the decision. It was hard to move on, to know the time was right to put the story to rest. She had nothing left, and there was no reason for her to stay, there would be no-one to miss her either way.

* * *

**"This whole situation. It's all helped me see things more clearly. He's gone, so many of my friends are gone. There's no reason to stay. Not for me, not for them. I suppose I've known that for a long time now, but it's just hard to move on, isn't it? It's hard to close that chapter." _Elizabeth Corday, 'ER'_ ((Set: shortly after "These Are The Voyages" in 2161))**

He looked up to her, and she could tell he wanted to talk to her about something. A discussion about his career was probably long overdue. But she knew they'd both been avoiding it. "I can't help but think if maybe it's time for me to take a break."

"What do you mean Jon?"

"Trip's dead, my crew have all moved on to new assignments, my ship is a museum. I've known for a long time that maybe once Enterprise was mothballed I could look at maybe doing something else." She understood his thoughts, it was a similar decision of hers that had led them to being at the place and time they were now. Her decision to go into teaching rather than continue on Columbia after the end of the war.

"You will be, you're joining the admiralty in a month, you'll do things you've never experienced, and you'll be able to help future captain's avoid the same mistakes you made, we made."

"It's hard to let go."

"I know. It's not like you don't have other challenges coming, we've only got a few months to prepare." She hoped that pointing out the good, the immediate changes that were due to happen in the next year or so, would be enough to remind him that there was more going on than just what he'd left behind.

"End one chapter and another begins." He muttered, clearly still in his own thoughts.

"A good one, I hope." She smiled, kissing his cheek as he settled back again, his hand resting just above her hip, stroking the side of the bump.

"One of the best. It's just hard, knowing that Trip is gone and whatever I do now I'm going to have to do without him to turn to for advice. We were nearly home, Rike. We were so close." He buried his head in the crook of her neck, and she held onto him tightly, hoping that she could remind him that there were things they could do in Trip's memory, and she'd make sure they did. Because he'd always been a good friend, and they both missed him.

* * *

**"It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." _Jean-Luc Picard 'The Next Generation'_** **((Set: During "Home"))**

It had been a nice evening out with one of her best friends from when she was teaching. She didn't get to catch up with them all as often as she would have liked, but instead of finishing her dessert, she had turned round after hearing mention of Enterprise's mission to the Expanse, and after listening to two or three of the comments she'd turned to the group of teenagers, they couldn't have been more than 18 years old, and asked them a simple question. "What exactly do you think Captain Archer did wrong?"

"There must have been something else he could have done. People died." The darkest haired and largest of the boys was the one who got the courage to respond to her first, and she tried not to grind her teeth as she thought about her reply.

"I know, I was there." She pulled her jacket round just enough so the boys could see the insignia on her arm. "That's why I'm telling you, there was nothing he could have done any differently." Neela followed her as she stood up and walk over to stand beside their table.

"But if he just-" The blondest of the boys started, and she shook her head holding a hand up.

"No. End of discussion. You're not a Starfleet Captain, and you weren't in the Expanse. You don't get a say in this. He's been cleared by Starfleet, and by the UEP, there was nothing he could have done differently. Even the Vulcans accepted that. Don't try and say he 'could' have done anything until you've been in that position. Nobody has been, and hopefully nobody will be again. You can make all the right choices still suffer casualties. It's a numbers game. That's not just me defending my commanding officer, that's life, and you need to deal with it."

"OK, come on Hoshi." She allowed herself to be pulled away from the table, where the four young men she'd just lambasted were all sat staring after her speechless. She was grateful for Neela's decision to pull her out of the restaurant, because she knew that if she'd continued much longer, she would probably have broken herself all over again.

* * *

**"Everyone makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils." _Carl Carlson 'The Simpsons'_ ((Set: During "Home"))**

He looked at Erika as he passed her her backpack and frowned a little at the end of their time away. Sure, the few days they'd spent climbing had only been the start of his journey to accepting what had happened in the expanse, but a lot had changed in these five days, and something he'd long suspect had been proven to him entirely. "You know what this trip has shown me?"

"What's that?"

"I made a huge mistake letting you go." He looked up at her and saw the smirk on her face, and wondered if maybe he shouldn't have admitted that.

"Well, everyone gets to make one huge mistake. We can erase them pretty easily though, if we try."

"Can we count that one as erased?"

"That depends-" She said with a teasing tone, and all of a sudden he knew that she was going to use this as best she could to wind him up. But he could live with that.

"On what?"

"On whether or not we're keeping this going?" She pulled her backpack on and started toward the main entrance, leaving him staring after her for a minute before running to catch up with her and keep their conversation even a little bit private.

"I just told you it was a mistake letting you go once, do you really think I'm going to let you go again?"

"Just checking." She teased and slung the bag back over her back as the exited the shuttleport. "I'm assuming you remember where I live, come see me when you've unpacked." Her teasing grin left him with no illusions as to what she was suggesting, and that made him want to just follow her now. But he was in desperate need of a shower after 5 days climbing, and he was sure that she was feeling much the same. Instead he looked up and shouted after her.

"How about dinner, tonight?"

"Pick me up at 7!" She shouted back without even turning around, and he felt his own grin growing. That was one mistake he was glad was long behind him, and that he could hopefully write over.

* * *

**"I have to do what makes you happy. Not what makes me happy." _Fry 'Futurama'_ ((Set: 2141 (shortly after chapter 3 of "The First Missions"))**

Was he certain this was what she wanted? The answer to that was definitely a resounding "no", but he still had to do it. He had to walk out of the door and swear to himself that he wouldn't let this happen again. No matter how much he wanted it, no matter how happy it would make him to wake up with her in his arms, he knew that wasn't what she wanted.

At least not right now.

Who knew what she'd want tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. She'd made it clear that one day, whenever that might be, she would be open to taking things further, but that time wasn't now.

So instead he left.

However much that was killing him, he had to do what would make her happy. There was nothing he wanted more than to make her happy, to let her know that she was special. If that meant he had to wait for her to be ready, he would.


	10. Chapter 10

**These are all really choppy and I'm not sure why! Also, Qiana (in drabble 3) is an OC created by the wonderful Sokorra.**

* * *

**"I have noted, the 'healthy' release of emotion is frequently very unhealthy for those closest to you." _Spock 'Star Trek' _((Set: 2162))**

"What are you doing?" He hadn't realised anyone had walked into the gym until he heard her words. He stopped a second and looked over to his friend, wondering if now was really the best time for anyone to be near him. She seemed to know that he needed the distance, and instead sat on one of the benches near the middle of the room, just looking at him.

"Working off this anger."

"Who are you angry at?"

"My wife, my job, most of Starfleet."

"What's Erika done?" Hoshi asked, concern colouring her words. The simple thing was, Erika hadn't done anything except _not_ ask him to be home more. She just accepted his working hours, and that was the problem.

"Nothing."

"And Starfleet?"

"Nothing."

"Then why are you angry?"

"I don't know." He admitted, leaning against the bag for a second. Why was he angry? Because he felt like nothing he did mattered. He missed the old days, sometimes. When his decisions were the ones that would be the difference between life and death.

"Maybe you need to take some leave. Take Erika and Rena away for a while."

"You're probably right. I just feel like nothing I do, here or at home, makes a difference. I work so much I barely know my daughter, barely see my wife. She's supportive of my career, I know that, but I know she'd also like to have me home more."

"I don't blame her. You two spent how much of your relationship seeing each other once every few months. Take leave, take her away, go take Rena on her first climb, or go visit Erika's family. You need a break, the same as everyone else, and Starfleet will still be here when you get back." He stopped dancing around the punching bag and finally looked at Hoshi, knowing that she was talking sense. He stopped and nodded, taking a deep breath. At least in doing that, he would see more of the people who mattered. It was worth a shot, and he wouldn't break his hand on the bag again.

* * *

**"All you can do is play along at life, and hope that sometimes you get it right." _Dexter Morgan 'Dexter' _((Set: During "The First Missions" -2143))**

He heard her make another impatient noise and pull at his leg. He looked out from underneath the panel and saw her face upside down at the end. Why had he decided to fix this tonight rather than wait for the engineers? He didn't know, but he was committed now. "Do you even know what you're doing?"

"Not a clue." He smiled, and she tugged him out from underneath the panel and fixed him with a stare. There was something special about being held in her stare, but he couldn't think about that, not if he didn't want Erika's annoyance to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

"You're going to get suspended again."

"If I do I'm taking you down with me, Hernandez." He teased, and slid back under the panel to avoid the likely kick that she would level at him if he didn't. They had spent too much time winding each other up if he knew that she'd try and kick him.

Instead he heard her groan and he knew he'd won it. "Don't you dare Jon."

"Then just play along and everything will be alright." He muttered, fixing another one of the seemingly burnt out relays, passing out the damaged component to Erika, and holding his hand for a fresh one to replace it.

"I hate when you say that." She said as she handed him the last relay, and he was fairly sure he'd be done after this.

"Why?"

"Because then it's my fault if your cunning plan fails."

"It won't fail. I'll get this right." He connected the last relay, and that was it. He slid out and smiled at her. "Go on, fire it up. Nobody will need to know I broke it." He grinned as she set it up, and sat back as the machine ran perfectly again. He gave her a triumphant look, trying not to smirk at the unimpressed look on her face.

"Can we leave now. I either want to go drink or sleep, and I'm not sure which."

"It's Thursday."

"Dammit, sleep it is." She smiled and ushered him out of the hangar, locking up behind him then pushing him in the direction of his apartment. Shaking her head as she walked in the other direction. He'd never had a better partner in crime. He watched her until she faded into the darkness, then started walking his own way home.

* * *

**"Exactly 45 days from now you and I are gonna meet. And we're gonna fall in love. And we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids, and we're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess because I want those extra 45 days with you, I want each one of them. But if I can't have them I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face. Because I love you, I'm always gonna love you, til the end of my days and beyond. You'll see." _Ted Mosby 'How I Met Your Mother' _((Set: 2171))**

He was far too used to being whisked away by members of the Q continuum, but this time he recognised the humanity in the young woman beside him, he had only met her once or twice, both when she was younger, and when he was much younger. Now she'd taken him, right away from his office, and took him back in time. He knew exactly when they were, and where they were. He pointed in the direction of the woman he knew was his future wife, and turned to the young Q. "I love that girl."

"Which one?" She asked, looking over the women in the room in front of them. Not one person paying any attention to either of them.

"The brunette. I have been in love with her since the day I met her, and it took me six years to man up and tell her, and then I lost her, I was lucky. She took me back, and 30 years on she still loves me, not as much as I love her because nobody will ever love anyone like that." He smiled as Erika turned round, and saw her youthful smile, free of the ghosts of the last 30 years, but he knew he loved both the same. "I've always loved her. If I could walk up to her and tell her that in a few days we're going to meet, and I'm going to fall in love with her, and that we're going to get married and have children and I'll love her forever." He thought about Serena and HC, how he was so proud to be seeing them grow. Becoming their own people.

"Wait, that's Aunt Erika?" Qiana asked, looking up at him with a curious face. He smiled and nodded, while he could see the Erika he'd known, he could understand it being harder for Qiana.

"Yes. How did you bring us here if you didn't know that was Erika?"

"I didn't, you did. I just set the jump in motion, you're the one who determined where we were going. You can't tell her, you know that." Qiana nodded in the direction of Erika, leaning against the barrier, her chin on her hand. "Uncle Jon, how do you know you're in love with someone?" She asked, and he stopped. Thinking about how he knew he loved Erika. How he knew he'd fallen in love with her all those years ago.

"When you don't want to be with anyone else. When you can't imagine being with anyone, and you know that your life would be a million times worse without them. You just know, Qiana. When it's real, you know." He smiled and watched Erika. Resisting the urge to wave, or just run up and tell her that they were going to meet, and they were going to fall in love, get married and have children. "You just know." He said again. Happy to have had this moment to see his wife at 24 again.

* * *

**"The truth is: you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that it's all about the people that you let into your life" _JD, Scrubs_ ((Set: 2158))**

He sat back and looked at the screen, watching as Trip's kids played just the other side of the room. He could have done with being at home, but he needed to speak about what had happened. He needed to get this straight in his mind, because he felt like he'd failed again. "I tried my hardest to do what was best for everyone. For me, for Earth, for Erika, for the kids. Yet somehow I still managed to end up pissing everyone off."

Trip looked over at him and chuckled a little. "I don't blame Erika for being pissed, you're going to be away from home for a year."

"Don't make me feel guiltier than I already am, Trip." He groaned, he knew that Trip was right. He already felt awful, knowing that he was going to miss so much. He had a month before he left, and he wondered if his wife would be speaking to him again before then.

"Andoria though?"

"This is my chance to make sure this works, to make sure that the Federation has a good base. I already have a relationship with Shran. I am the best choice for this assignment." He debated with himself, using Trip more as a sounding board than anything. He just needed to know that he wasn't doing the wrong thing, that he wasn't ruining his marriage for no reason.

"But you leave your wife, alone, with your kids. How old are they, six and one?"

"I tried to convince her to come with me, to bring the kids, but she doesn't want to leave Earth, doesn't want to completely change Serena's schedule."

Trip glared at him, and Jon realised that he'd done it. He'd turned it and made it sound almost like it was Erika's fault for not coming with him. "This isn't on her Jon. You're lucky, you're always going to have the chance to make a difference. The rest of us, Erika included, get to make one person feel better, to change one thing, in our entire lives. If we get to change that one thing that's it, the rest of it is supporting the people in our lives."

"Have I ruined my marriage taking this position, Trip?"

"Nah, Erika's stronger than that, yeah, she'll be pissed with you for a while, but let it settle and she'll be fine. Probably before you leave. Don't hide away here though. "

"You're right. I should go home, I'll make it before Rena's bedtime. Thanks Trip." He stood up with a tight smile. He needed to go and tell Erika that he loved her, and that he would miss her every day he was gone. That he would call her every chance he got, and that he would come home the moment he needed too, or if anything happened. He needed to tell her she was still his priority, and that she was the one he wanted in his life, and that was the only important thing.

* * *

**"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." _Spike_ '_Buffy the Vampire Slayer'_ ((Set: 2145))**

He stopped her pacing and knew he needed to tell her. He needed to tell her now, because without it, he didn't know what she'd do. "Erika, if you want to go off the deep end and act like this doesn't matter then fine. I don't care. The problem is that however much I tell myself, or tell you, that I don't care we both know it's a lie. I love you, and I've loved you since the minute I met. I don't love you because you're out of my league, I don't love you because you are the most interesting person I know. I love you because you put everyone else ahead of you, you are the nicest person anyone will ever meet, and that is why I love you. I know you, maybe better than you know yourself, and everything I see reminds me that you are the best part of me, and you remind me to be better than I am." He stopped talking, and Erika looked like she'd been slapped, her face one of complete and utter confusion. But he knew that she needed to hear what he'd told her, and she needed to know that he loved her no matter what had happened. He loved her, and he would work on reminding her way he loved her, just so she always knew.


	11. Chapter 11

**Moooooooooore drabbles! Sorry for the long delay recently. I stopped posting for a month.**

* * *

**"A mother's love is an unrivalled force of nature, and we can all learn much from the way she lived her life. Her death causes each of us to stop and take stock of our lives, to measure who we are, and what we've become" _Aaron Hotchner 'Criminal Minds'_ ((Set: 2164))**

The funeral had been beautiful, apparently. The girls had sung, and Simon had read a poem. She'd never know for sure though, because her ridiculous dedication to duty had meant she'd missed it. No matter how hard she'd tried she'd missed it. While she knew Jon had gone, and he'd taken Rena to say goodbye to her aunt, it wasn't the same, and she would always feel guilty for it. "She was so vital, so alive last time I was home. We went shopping, and she spoiled Rena." She'd probably never forgive herself for missing the funeral. She'd tried to get back in time, but she'd missed it by less than a day.

"Erika, you were on a training mission. You weren't even in the sector. Simon knows your job takes you away, Maria knew that too."

"Maybe it's time I gave up. Started teaching full time. I've been a captain. I've been all of these things that I wanted to be. Now I'm a mother, and a wife, and maybe I should focus on you and Rena more. On Simon and the girls more. The girls are going to need their aunt more than ever now."

"If you think the time has come for you to take that step, then I support you." He nodded, and she felt his eyes watching her as she continued pacing the room.

"Maria was so dedicated. She knew what needed to come first. I've never really been like that. I always put Starfleet first. I've done it throughout our relationship, I've even done it since Rena's been born. I need to not do that anymore." She continued pacing around the room, all the time casting looks over her shoulder to the baby monitor, not wanting to talk so loudly she'd disturb the sleeping toddler upstairs.

"Then speak to Gardner tomorrow, go full time at the Academy. You do have pull with the dean." He teased, and she took a couple of steps closer, finally the need to pace stopping.

"Oh, I do. Maybe I should sweet talk him into hiring me full time."

"I thought you just did." He grinned and pulled her in to his arms. She couldn't focus on the fact that Maria was gone, but she could use it as something to remind her that there were things more important that her career. She needed to make more time for her family, and if that was the only positive that could come out of this tragedy, she'd take it.

* * *

**"A dream is an answer to a question we haven't learned how to ask." _Dana Scully 'X-Files' _((Set: 2162))**

She looked at Jon over the back of the sofa. He was laid on the floor with their two month old daughter laid on his chest. Serena was sound asleep against his chest, but she could see the tell tale white spots of baby sick on his shirt. She smiled as she watched him take a little breath and Serena echoed her father. "What are you thinking about?" She asked, wondering what he was focusing on while Serena was sleeping on his chest.

He opened his eyes and focused on her, she smiled at the bleary eyed sleepy face her husband pulled as he did. "This, all of this. How often I dreamed about this over the years." He grinned a second later, then looked at Serena. "My dreams were never quite this specific, and rarely did they involve vomit." He laughed, and she climbed over the back of the sofa, settling onto the floor beside him.

"Give her here, change your shirt. This is why I use a rag." She smiled as he sat up, the little one making a soft sound of protest at being removed from the comfort of her father's chest. He kissed the side of her head as he handed her over to her mother.

"Here, Rena, pewk on mommy this time." Jon grinned, and she settled Serena on her shoulder, grabbing the rag she left next to the chair, resting Rena's chin on it as Jon pulled his shirt off, grinning at her. "Daddy would like a shirt that isn't ruined."

"She doesn't throw up on mommy, because she lived inside me for months." She teased, and a second later she heard a tell-tale burp as her rag suddenly got soaked, and she heard Jon's laughter. Within a minute she knew the answer to her unanswered question, the dream was different than the reality, but the reality was better.

* * *

**"It's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself." _Colonel Potter; M*A*S*H_ ((Set: 2140 - beginning of The First Missions))**

He had sat watching her on the treadmill for almost ten minutes before he took the one beside her with a smile. "Who are you trying to beat?"

"Myself." She panted, he wondered how long she'd actually been there. He'd never heard her quite so breathless before. On top of that all, he didn't understand what she meant. How did she beat herself?

"What?"

She hit the buttons on the treadmill and began to slow down. A second later she looked over at him and threw a towel over her shoulder. "It's this game I play. When I know that I have something to do I challenge myself to do it quicker, to do it better. You should try it Jon." She grinned, and he heard the challenge in her voice as she stayed stood there watching him running.

"Aren't there enough people to put yourself up against?" He asked, maybe he needed to stop judging himself against everyone else, maybe that was part of his problem, and maybe she had the right outlook.

"Too many people in the world. I'd rather beat myself. See you tomorrow." She grinned again, and flicked the towel against his back before she started walking away. A second later he jumped onto the sides of the treadmill and turned back to follow her before he realised she'd never said if she'd won.

"Hey, did you win?"

"By 5 minutes. See you!" She ran off, and he fought the urge to follow her. Maybe she was right, maybe he should challenge himself. He wouldn't feel as much of a loser if he stopped trying to be better than everyone at least. Especially her, he would never be better than her, and she'd always be too good for him.

* * *

**"Ooh, good thing I have you to protect me" _Erika Hernandez 'Enterprise' _((Set: 2156 - my RP verse))**

The call wasn't exactly what he'd expected, but considering the slurred words his wife was coming out with, he was amazed she'd managed to find the contact to call him. He knew she'd had something planned tonight, because he'd already told her that he had to work late, but that he'd see her in the morning. Instead he was trying to stifle his laughter as she asked him to come early. At least Columbia and Enterprise were both in dock, and Erika decompressing had to be good for her. "Jon can you come over?"

"Are you drunk?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, but that's beside the point." He had to give it to her, she didn't lie and try to convince him she was sober. The reason for that he wasn't sure of. She was probably just at the level of not caring that she was drunk. As for that being beside the point, he didn't necessarily agree with that.

"I would have thought that was the entire point."

"Blame your engineer. It's his bottle of bourbon I've drunk and he was my drinking partner." Why did that news not surprise him, not even a little bit. Erika and Trip had become close friends over the course of the war, probably something to do with being the ones who had to deal with his decisions most often, and the fact they liked the same drinks just meant he was often her drinking partner on nights like this. He was about to reply when Erika started speaking again. "He also told me that a booty call is still a booty call even though we're married."

"I really need to tell him to stop drinking with you. This always happens. You get drunk and I end up spending the evening cleaning your quarters."

"We didn't drink in my quarters this time we drank in the mess." She sounded immensely proud of herself at that, and allowed himself a small smile. He already knew that no matter what he was going to end up spending the night with her, but he still felt the need to make her wait. "So will you come over?"

"Give me five minutes." He sighed, grabbing a shirt from the table. He shouldn't really complain, he was getting to spend the night with the woman he loved, unexpectedly, and that was surely all he should focus on. The fact she might have had a few too many didn't mean anything, especially as that was how they'd gotten together anyway.

* * *

**"There is nothing there. It's over and gone and you all blame me." _Angela 'Pobol y Cwm' _((Set: during TRWS))**

He ran along the corridor, trying desperately to catch up to Erika. She'd escaped the briefing all too quickly after James' return, which had led to the uncomfortable discussion about her current mental state, and he worried. There was too much at stake for him to not chase her down. If he'd missed the signs, or ignored them because he'd refused to believe she could break, then he needed to correct it, and he needed to let her know that he was there. He finally caught sight of her, and rather than continue running he just shouted. "Erika"

"What?"

"Speak to me?" He said as he stopped beside her. Easily able to keep up with her shorter strides when she started walking again.

"There is nothing to talk about, Jon." She muttered in a flattened, broken tone. He had never heard that from her before. From others, yes. Even from himself on occasion, but never from her.

"Really, because you've been a spitting cobra to everyone today. James brought it up, Gardner knows that he's doing what is best for you, for _Columbia_, and you still tried to argue about it."

"I'm sick of talking, I'm sick of losing friends and making orders that end lives. I'm sick of being out here and all we do is fight and repair and fight. I'm just done, Jon. I'm done. So many people have died, and they blame me. It's my fault."

"It's war, Rike. We've both given orders we're not proud of, and we're not happy about, but we're at war." He took hold of her hands, stopping her walking any further with only the tiniest resistance. She looked up at him and the sadness in her eyes made him want to protect her from anything else the universe was going to throw at them.

"Maybe I don't want to be any more."

"Take the leave you're being offered, go see Simon and the girls, think more on it, and call me any time. Even if it's just to talk." He pulled her into him, giving her a light kiss, not really caring about the people around them. He wondered if the war had just weighed on her too long, and she'd gone too long without a break from the front. Hopefully, if he couldn't be there to help her, her brother would be able too.


	12. Chapter 12

**Moooooooooore drabbles! Lets go!**

* * *

**"Do not pity the dead. Pity the living and above all pity those who have lived without love." _Dumbledore _((Set: 2160))**

There were so many things he could or should be saying right now, but there was only so much focus he could but on the dead, on those who hadn't made it to this point in their journey. To all the people who hadn't made it to this point in time, to see him do the one thing that would make this all worthwhile. The one thing that would confirm to him that he didn't need to go on living like he had nobody there to help him.

He had learnt long ago not to feel sorry for the dead. They were dead, they didn't feel anything. Instead he felt sorry for those men and women who live like him. Who never opened themselves up to another person. He had tried to shut himself away, but luckily for him there was a woman in his life who wasn't willing to let him lock himself away in a cage of self-pity and hatred.

in all the years since, in the two decades he'd known her, something had changed in him, and now he knew that opening himself up to love wasn't a bad thing, and it wasn't a selfish thing. In fact, it was one of the most selfless acts he'd ever participated in. The dead would remain dead, but he could live for them, and that was surely the important thing.**  
**

* * *

**"You said before that for whatever reason, I seem to be able to exert some authority around here. I assure you it's not 'cause they like me. It's 'cause they knew two minutes after I walked in the door I'm someone who knows how to do something. I can help" _Sam Donovan 'Sports Night'_ ((Set: 2140))**

The end of the test was greeted with frosty silence rather than minute celebration for once, and this time he knew exactly why. It didn't take long for Erika to turn to him, and he could still see the anger and annoyance in her eyes at his stupid comment about her commanding the mission more than him. "How many times have you said that I can change this around for you Jon?"

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it." He defended, and it wasn't. He hadn't claimed people were listening because she was a woman, or because they were her friends even though he could understand how it came off that way. He just knew they listened to her more than to him, and that had bugged him.

"You are an idiot. Those pilots out there, those engineers, they don't listen to me because they like me. Frankly I think the only person on this project who does like me is you. They listen to me because they know that I am damn good at what I do, and I know how to get the best out of the people on my team. So get off your high horse and stop being an ass."

"I'm sorry." He muttered, but he could hear the insincerity in his own voice.

"No you're not, don't lie to me. Just do your damn job so I don't have to do it for you." The anger seemed to be radiating off her, and he knew when it was best to get out of the blast zone, at which point he was glad she turned on her heels and started away.

"She's a handful, isn't she?" AG asked walking past the door of the command centre just as Erika stormed past him. It only took a moment for him to know exactly what he was going to say back.

"The problem is, she's right." He groaned as he watched her walk away, and thought about the problem. The problem was that she was the one everyone listened too, because even though she was the youngest on the project, by a few years, she was also the only one who exuded an air of confidence. It made his job simultaneously easier and harder, because all of a sudden he didn't know which of them was actually giving the orders. But the mission had been a success, and that was the thing, wasn't it?

* * *

**"And sometimes you have to let go." _Abby 'ER' _((Set: 2166))**

He had his arms wrapped around his little girl, at least until she pushed him off and shook her head at him, looking more and more like her mother. He was used to getting the same look from his wife, but his daughter was beginning to develop the same mannerisms. "Let me go daddy, I need to go to class." She told him. He pulled back and nodded, watching as she turned away.

"Be good, OK." He shouted after her, but the five year old didn't even look back. He sighed as he got up, sure that his little girl was growing up without him already.

"She'll be fine Jon. She's getting big now." Erika reached for his hand, squeezing as she did.

"I don't think I'm ready for her to grow up, she's still my little baby."

"Maybe you need to let go of that. Especially as we've got another on the way. She doesn't need to be coddled, Jonathan." Erika's face told him that he was being overprotective. Serena had been through so much already, and he was afraid to lose her.

"You're right, I know that. But she's still my baby girl."

"So, I take it you'll be coming with me to pick her up tonight?" She asked, and he smiled, knowing that Erika would now talk him out of his next plan.

"I actually wasn't planning on going all that far."

"You can't stay here for 8 hours."

"You want to bet?" He muttered, and she lifted his chin and tapped his nose, trying to break him out of the maudlin mood that had set in the minute his daughter had walked away.

"Jonathan, go to work. I'll call you when my afternoon class is over, and we'll be here to pick her up. She will be fine." He nodded as she wrapped an arm round him and started pulling him away. He knew she was right, but Rena was his baby, and he wasn't ready to accept she was growing up, even with another baby on the way.

* * *

**"And sometimes you have to let go." _Abby 'ER'_ ((Set: 2156))**

She heard the footsteps coming up behind her as she attempted to ignore them. She was trying to ignore everyone, because she wasn't ready to be polite to anyone, she wasn't ready to listen to platitudes and be told this wasn't her fault. "It was a nice service."

"Nice as you can get at this short a notice." She muttered, only because she knew that he wasn't going to leave her alone, not now.

"You're going to freeze out here." The concern in his voice wasn't even what she registered first of all, she registered that he hung back.

"What do you want, Kalil?"

"It's not what I want that's the issue here, is it?" He said, taking another few steps forward until he was stopping on the same level as her, looking out over the hillside where Veronica had been interred only an hour earlier.

"This is my fault." She said, shaking her head and pulling her collar up to try and protect her neck a little more. Kalil looked down at her with a serious look on his face, and she knew exactly what he was going to say long before he had a chance to open his mouth. "I'm the Captain, she was a member of my crew. She was my best friend, and she died on my watch." She wasn't going to get over that little fact any time soon. It was the truth.

"Yet you saved so many other lives, she saved lives. You can't hold this in, Erika. It hurts, and it's hard, but we have to let go. Keep her in our memory but remember that she died for a greater cause, something that matters to us all."

She looked up at him, seriously, and thought on that statement, and a second later she knew that she needed to be honest. This was her new XO, her new right hand, and he needed to know that this was still too hard for her. "I don't know if I can."

"You have too, you're the Captain." He stated honestly, and turned back to the hall, where the rest of their crew and Veronica's family were still gathered. She took one last look out over the countryside and hoped for one more moment that she'd wake up and this would have all been a bad dream.

* * *

**"I'm still in love with him. I am. I've been in love with him since I was 23 years old. He's everything to me. He's my life. I feel complete when I'm with him and I feel empty when we're apart." _Carol 'ER'_ ((Set: 2158))**

"Erika what are you doing?" Simon asked, watching her as she put the last of her things back in the bag. She turned away from him, not planning on letting him talk her out of this. She needed to get herself to wherever Jonathan had gone, because this time she wasn't going to let him pass her by. The years they'd spent together without ever clarifying what they had needed to end, that was what had been proven to her. What she hadn't realised was how close _Enterprise_ had been to going back to the front.

"I have to do this, I just, I have to do it." She didn't think he would understand, she could try and explain it to him, but he had never been apart from Maria. He'd never had to live not knowing if he'd ever see her again. That was her reality, and this wasn't a time to leave things unsaid.

"Rike! You're supposed to be resting." He tried again, reaching out and grabbing hold of her arm.

"No, Simon." She shouted, shaking her brothers' hand off her arm. "I need to tell him, before he leaves again. In 18 years I've never just come out and told him that I love him. That I've loved him since the day we met. Any day I don't speak to him is a missed chance. I don't want him to go back out to the front and not know exactly how much I love him. How empty my life would be without him. It may seem sad and pathetic but I don't care. I need him to know." She stopped to take a breath, to try and thing of another way to phrase everything she wanted to say, but something stopped her.

"He does." Came an unexpected voice from the doorway. As she turned she knew it wasn't a mirage or her imagination. He was really there, stood in her brother's house, listening to her pour her heart out about how she felt about him.

"Jonathan." She muttered, dropping the bag she carried and running into his arms, he caught her and held her close to him. Another close shave hadn't been what either of them had needed, and now she just didn't want to let him go. She wanted to prove to him that no matter what they would have each other to lean on. She kissed him as hard as she could, thinking about the last thing he'd said to her, about buying a place together, and she'd tried to dodge the question then. Now though, she knew it was time to make that small commitment, because it was all she could do right now. "The answer is yes," she smiled as he held her a little tighter. She knew that this wasn't a mistake. It was time to take the leap.


End file.
